Shirt Not Big Enough

And he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didn’t have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to Five-X on the T-shirts and he was like, “You don’t have my size.” I was like, “Dude, I didn’t know they made you!” I have up to Five-X, I don’t have [dinosaur noise]-X. A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?

You’ve Gotten Fat

“You’ve gotten fat!”

“Well, you’re fat, too!”

“I know I’m fat! I was fat in high school! I kept my figure, why couldn’t you?”

I Have Options

And then I realized I was being checked out by guys! And I know they were checking me out because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, “Oh my god, I can turn on a man! Shoot!” And I called my girlfriend, and I said, “Baby, you better not mess this up. I have options!”

Hawaiian Shirts

Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you don’t ever come across as offensive. Nobody sees you as a threat. You see someone in a Hawaiian shirt, and you are like, “This guy is ready to party.”

People Bring Me Cake

Every night, it’s a bakery on the bus. It’s a curse because I talk about how much I love cake, people bring me cake. And now I just found out I’m diabetic, so I’m like, are you kidding me?!

Get Jiggy With It

I’m a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

Girlfriend

And I don’t want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman. The fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don’t get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that’s still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.

St. Louis

When I first got to St. Louis, I saw the arch and I said, “I want to go to that McDonalds.”

Special in 3D

Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?

Evolution of Life

Walgreens, Rite Aid, CVS, and Wal-Mart have all figured out the evolution of life and they grabbed all the products that are necessary for a life. And they stuck them in one aisle and they put them in order according to how you mess up.

First thing you’re going to see: condoms. Next to that: lubricant. Next to that: a pregnancy test. Next to that: Pampers. Next to that: formula. And at the end of the aisle, they sell beer.