A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair,

so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”

Police arrested two kids yesterday,

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.

He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’

I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal”. The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him “Juan”.

Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: “They’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

When Susan’s boyfriend proposed she said:

“I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them as a husband”. 18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week.

I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.