A man speaks frantically into the phone,

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor Asks.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A man walks into a doctor’s office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said: “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

Why did the bucket go to the doctor?

He had a pail face.

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, Doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers.

He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”
“But, I don’t have the fingers!”
“Why didn’t you bring the fingers?!” asks the incredulous doctor.
“Doc, I couldn’t pick them up.”

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to.”