1. “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.'” -Bob Newhart on Country Music

2. “Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” -David Letterman on baseball food

3. “I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.'” -Chris Rock on minimum wage

4. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” -Steve Martin on the perfect woman

5. “I just want kind of a light brown hillock of glop. If you could put my lunch in a blender, and liquefy it, and then put it into a caulking gun and inject it right into my femoral artery, even better! But until you invent a lunch gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl!” -Patton Oswalt on KFC’s Famous Bowls

6. “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” -Billy Crystal on aging

7. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” -Zach Galifianakis on emotional maturity

8. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something.”  -Jackie Mason on wealth

9. “I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.” -Richard Pryor on divorce

10. “After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same [jerk] I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.” -Robin Williams on clean living

11.”If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.”  -Jonathan Winters on airport traffic

12. “The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.” -Milton Berle on women

13. “I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. It’s not really a ghetto; it’s a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don’t know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. ‘Tweet-tweet, sucker. Give me a quarter.'” -Freddie Prinze on poverty

14. “There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn’t get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, ‘It’s not your birthday. Today’s not about you.'” -Kevin Hart on kids

15. “Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.”  -Bill Murray on hope and bacon

16. “Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list.” -Denis Leary on nature vs. nurture

17. “If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract.” -Jon Stewart on Congress

18. “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.” -Larry David on baldness

19. “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” -Steven Wright on breakfast

20. “Housework won’t kill you. But then again, why take the chance?” -Phyllis Diller on housework