I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

Two brain surgeons are discussing cases over lunch.

Surgeon 1: I just don’t understand it. I treated a monk with epilepsy by implanting a seizure inhibitor device – the one with a microcomputer that sends out current to negate the seizure. It’s working perfectly and his seizures are gone, but he keeps putting acorns and stuff into hollow spaces in trees. He didn’t display this behavior before the surgery but now he seems compelled to do this.

Surgeon 2: The answer is obvious. After the implant, he is a chip monk.

Four surgeons are talking…

Four surgeons are talking about their favorite types of patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says he prefers to operate on librarians because when you open them up everything is in alphabetical order.

The second surgeon says he likes to operate on accountants because everything inside is numbered.

The third surgeon says his favorite are artists because everything is color-coded.

Finally, the last surgeon says “nah, you are all wrong” politicians are the easiest, because they are brainless, gutless, heatless, and lack a spine.

Two surgeons are in an operating room…

One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”

The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”

The second surgeon replies “suture self”

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,”
replied Dr.Santa.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested.
“I mean you haven’t done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it
out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of
the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,
“I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a
few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the
bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician we’re arguing over the oldest profession

The doctor said “in the Bible, Eve was made from Adam’s rib, so the first profession was a surgeon.” The engineer said, “God made the earth from chaos in 7 days, so engineering is the first profession.” The politician said, “who do you think you made the chaos?”

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.

A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself, man.

I’m sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What’s so funny about that?

I’m a gynecologist.

“You just need to relax Steve, it’s just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues” the surgeon said

The patient replies “But my name isn’t Steve”

Nervously, the surgeon replies “But my name is”

Surgeon: “Stay calm John, it’s just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous.”

Patient: “Thanks Doc, but I’m not John”

Surgeon: “I know, I am”

A surgeon fails an eye surgery

No one bats an eye.
A surgeon fails a brain surgery
and everybody loses their minds

Three surgeons were meeting for a drink…

… Here they ended up talking shop, and the first proclaimed:

“The easiest patients to operate on, are accountants! All their organs are numbered.”

The second surgeon did disagree:

“I think the easiest patients to operate on, are painters! All of their organs got different colors.”

To which the last opposed:

“Nonsens! The easiest patients to operate are politicians! They got no brains, no spines, and if you accidentally switch around on their heads and their asses, no one will be able to tell the difference anyways.”