1. Twitter seems like a busman’s holiday: just more writing. I have no plans to do it. I’ll just stick with my 24/7 webcam. I’m old-fashioned that way.”

2. I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age. But then once you pass sixty-five, you can hit it full tilt again and it’s charming. Once you’re Lauren Bacall’s age, you can be like, “What the f*ck.”

3. Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.

4. “I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.”

5. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children’s medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.

6. “To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.” 

7. President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.

8. “A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I’m on my game.”

9. In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

10. “An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show here ankles to to get that job?”