What’s a pirates favorite letter?

(insert: you saying “R”)
You’d think it’d be the “R” but it’s the “C.”

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper? 

He wanted to live in the present.

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for his Easter Break.

When he returns to California his friend says to him, “Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”

To which Arnie replied [in Arnie voice]: “Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite generally we all had an awful day.”

His colleague then says, “Oh Arnie that’s no good at all, I’m sorry to hear! Does that mean you don’t love easter anymore?”

Arnie [Very important to read in Arnie voice]: “Oh no of course not – I still love easter, baby.”

A string walks into a bar and the bartender goes,

“Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.” The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and goes, “Hey, aren’t you that string I turned away before?” and the string goes, “Nope! I’m a frayed knot!”