He who hesitates, masturbates.

Dry land is not a myth. I’ve seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don’t know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!

My teacher in the seventh grade told me that if I didn’t fool around during class, I could have 15 minutes at the end of the day to do a comedy routine. Instead of bugging everybody, I’d figure out my routine. And at the end of the day, I’d get to perform in front of my entire class. I thought it was really smart of her. It’s amazing how important that was.

Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you’ll never hear the buffalo comin’!

The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.

Here it goes: I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yeild at a crosswalk, I changed lanes in the intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called “Gimme Shelter,” about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell’s Angels had their way. Tonight, it’s my turn.

Oh… that! I wasn’t gonna just… ram it home, you know. I was gonna… lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.

Hey man. It’s me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.

Holy Testicle Tuesday!