Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

A bear walks into a restaurant.

He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled …. cheese.” The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?” “Whaddya mean?” the bear replies. “I’m a bear!”

What’s E.T. short for?

Because he’s only got little legs.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. 

One shouts to the other, “I need you to help me get to the other side!”

The other guy replies, “You’re on the other side!”

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish.

The salesman asks him, “Do you want an aquarium?”

The guy responds, “I don’t care what star sign it is!”