Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto.

They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle’s prized Amazon parrot…

This parrot was fully grown — with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music–anything he could think of to try and set a good example… Nothing worked.

Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming… Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle’s prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill’s extended arm and said, “I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth,endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs.”

Bill was completely astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

A Holocaust survivor dies of old age and goes to heaven.

He tells God a Holocaust joke.
God replies, “That’s not funny.”
He replies, “I guess you had to be there.”

You gain appreciation for a lot of things in your old age…

Simple things that maybe you didn’t realize you treasured before – that bring you comfort in their familiarity.

You come to cherish those little things. For me that thing is single ply toilet paper. When I use it, I feel whole again.

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he’d live to a ripe old age

So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, ‘Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.’

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. ‘That was beautiful,’ he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, ‘I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.’

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, ‘Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.’

The blonde frowned and said, ‘It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.’ She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blond was three under par, and had a very nasty
12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, ‘I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.’

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, ‘Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.’

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. ‘Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.’

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, ‘That’s a gimme, sweetheart.’ The blonde smiled and said, ‘Your car or mine?’

Old age…

A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies. She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?” The husband says, “Sure.” She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?” He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”

Then the woman says, “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.” The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”

She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.” Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!” He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”

I wrote a poem called “Old Age Pensioner’s Underwear”.

Rose’s are red

Violet’s are blue

Ethel’s are green

My grandma got her foot amputated because of diabetes. Seeing her like this reminds me that no one can escape old age.

especially if you have one leg.

Jack was dying of old age…

…and he was on his death bed. suddenly a delicious smell wafted into the room, a smell Jack knew all too well. “Oh, my loving wife, she knows I am dying and she’s cooking my absolute favorite, fresh chocolate chip cookies!”

Shaking badly, he rolls out of bed and lands on the floor, dislocating his shoulder. With a grunt of pain, he pulls himself to the stairs and slides down them on his belly, he feels muscles being strained and cramping up and he’s in excruciating pain.

Weakly, and slowly, he crawls toward the kitchen, the smell of the cookies bringing long dormant memories flooding his mind. “Oh, my loving wife, she’s cooked me so many cookies!” Indeed, the countertops were covered in hundreds of chocolate chip cookies.

With a mixture of agony, nostalgia and joy, a trembling hand stretched out, tears streaming down his cheeks, Jack reaches up to grab a cookie from the counter.

Suddenly a wooden spoon smacks him sharply on the hand and his wife screeches “JACK! THOSE ARE FOR THE WAKE!!”

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice…). She’s an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she’s a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes and suffers visual hallucinations, she feels compelled to tell me about them in lurid detail, and to ask me to confirm whether what she saw was real or a hallucination. I just can’t take it anymore.

I guess what I’m saying is that down by the bay (down by the bay), where the watermelons grow (where the watermelons grow), back to my home (back to my home), I dare not go (I dare not go). For if I do, my mother will say, did you ever see a duck, driving a truck, down by the bay?

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress. However, they disagreed on one thing. Lucy liked big parties with lots of guests, while cindy liked more intimate gathering with fewer guests. So they compromised: cindy would throw a party for only senators, and lucy would throw one for the members of the house of representatives.

The parties were a hit! And every year after that, they threw excellent parties with the same arrangement. Senators would gush over cindy’s private affair, while lucy threw ragers for the house.

In their old age, as luck would have it, they were both on their deathbed at the same time. Lucy asked Cindy if she believed in reincarnation. “Yes, I do in fact” Cindy responded. Lucy proposed that on July 4th, fifteen years from then, they should meet on the capitol steps and reminisce about old time.

Lucy was re-born to a wealthy family, and lived a privileged life. On July 4th of her fifteenth year, she walked up the capitol steps, where she accidentally stepped on an ant. She waited for hours for cindy, when she realized in horror that cindy must have been the ant! Lucy felt confused and horrible.

Distraught, she went to the nearest buddhist temple and told the monk their about their similar lives and their careers. When she started explaining how she would throw parties for house members, and cindy for senators, the monk stopped her.

“You said she just threw parties for senators–no house members allowed?” the monk asked.

“Yes, that is correct. Why does that explain why I was reincarnated in such a good life while cindy became a lowly bug?”

The monk answered, “you see, only rep hosts get good karma”