Baby snake

\- Mom, are we venomous?, said the baby snake

\- No, we aren’t at all! Why?

\- Phew! Because I just bit my tongue!

A blind rabbit and a blind snake were friends. One day the blind rabbit told the blind snake that he didn’t know what he was, because he couldn’t see. So he asked the snake for help in determining what he was.

The blind snake slithered up to the blind rabbit, felt it all over and said: “You have long, furry ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.”

The blind rabbit was delighted with the news, and agreed to repay the favour so that the blind snake could find out what he was.

The blind rabbit felt the blind snake all over and finally declared: “You’re cold, you’re slimy and you don’t have any balls. You must be a banker.”

Noah and the Snakes

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to “Go forth and multiply.”

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, “We can’t multiply. We’re adders.”

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.

And he saw that it was good.

The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.

What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 metres long?

A “Pi”-thon.

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it’s a long joke and I didn’t want people to get to the end and complain there’s no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and hes miserable all the time.
One day Steve wakes up and decides hes had enough, he gets dressed, gets in his car and just starts driving.

Steve sets off on an adventure around the world, he sees all seven continents, the wonders of the world, mysterious islands and the deepest unknown caves. As he’s going through the desert, riding a camel, he spots an oasis and decides to stop for a rest. While he’s resting he notices a large wooden pole sticking out of the ground.

He moves over to investigate the pole and suddenly a giant snake emerges from the sand hissing angrily. Steve stumbles backwards and to his surprise the snake starts to speak! “who dares approach the world lever?”
“I’m so sorry” says Steve “I had no idea what this was” Steve explains that he’s travelling the world and the snake, deprived of company listens. After Steve finishes his story the snake speaks again, it explains that the lever is basically an on/off switch for the entire world and he was left by God to guard it since the beginning of the world. The snake explains that while he is content with his lot in life, his one regret is that his son will have to spend his life also guarding the lever.

“OK look” says Steve “I’m travelling the world still, what about if I take your son with me?” the snake is overjoyed and accepts Steve’s offer. So the next morning, Steve sets off with the young snake and they travel the world together. Steve shows the snake all the things he experienced before and they discover so much that’s new as well. Decades later, they return to the desert, the young snakes lust for adventure sated.

As they crest a dune and the oasis sheltering the lever comes into sight Steve presses down on the brakes to slow the 4×4. There’s a problem and the brakes dont work, the car accelerates down the dune and the old snake emerges from the sand, terrified to see his son screaming towards the lever.

Steve makes a quick decision and spins the steering wheel wildly, the car turns, toppling sideways and rolling down the dune, smashing over the old snake and bursting into flames at the bottom of the hill. Steve and the young snake crawl out of the wreckage and rush to the older snakes corpse.

Tears in his eyes the young snake looks up at Steve and asks “why would you steer into my dad?”

Steve replies “better snake than lever”

Two snakes are slithering through the desert….

One named Fred, and one named Henry.
Henry turns to Fred and says: “Fred, are we the kind of sssssnakes that kill by consssstriction or we the kind of sssssnake that kill with a deadly venomousssss bite?”
Fred thinks about it for a second and reply’s “Henry, we are the kind of sssssnakes that kill by consssstriction.”
Henry say “oh thank God for that, I just bit my lip.”

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”

“It’s quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls….Mr. president?!?”

What is common between a depressed man and a snake?

Both were found hanging from a tree.

PS: A Suicide joke kills on itself. Not here for validation.

Bill and Bob go hunting. They split up, and Bob soon finds Bill with a snake bite in his neck.

Bob calls 911, and says “I went hunting with my friend and I just found him dead with a snake bite on his neck!” 911 says “Ok, first let’s make sure he’s dead”. A gunshot is heard. Bob says, “Ok, now what?”

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, “It can be deadly if the venom is carried through the bloodstream to the heart.”

“Well, how long would it take the venom to get to your heart?”, he asked.

“It depends on where you’re bitten.”

“Well, how about Kansas City?”