What religion are bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A bear walks into a restaurant

He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled …. cheese.”

The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”

“Whaddya mean?” the bear replies.

“I’m a *bear*!”

When hiking near bears…

…you should always wear a bell around your neck and carry a can of extra strength pepper spray.

To figure out what type of bears are near your trail, you can examine their droppings.

Black bear droppings are a dark colour and may contain plant material.

Grizzly bear droppings are also easy to spot, since they often contain small bells and smell strongly of pepper.

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site…

… The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.

The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evening, the teddy bear clocks off, and leaves his tools in the site shed.

The next morning the teddy bear is back at work bright and early, but almost as soon as he arrives he goes up to the foreman.

“Sir, I’ve got a problem. I left my kit here overnight, and someone has taken the pick. I’ve still got the shovel and the hard hat and the safety jacket, but the pick’s gone.”

The foreman thinks for a moment, then slaps his head and looks at the calendar, then says

“Of course, today’s Tuesday. Sorry, I should have warned you… Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.”

There are two people in a wood and they’ve run into a bear

There are two people in a wood and they’ve run into a bear. The first person gets down on his knees to pray and the second person starts lacing up his boots. The first person asks the second person “my dear friend, What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear”, to which the second person responds “I don’t have to, I only have to outrun you.”

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce,

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce, and they’re fighting over custody of Baby Bear.

The judge interviews him to help decide who gets custody. “OK Baby Bear, since your parents are going to live in two places, we have to figure out where you live. Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”

“No, I don’t want to live with Papa Bear. He gets mad and then he beats me!” Baby Bear replied.

“Oh no! We can’t have that. Well, then do you want to live with Mama Bear?”

Baby Bear looked at his feet in shame, before replying “No! She beats me even harder and I can’t sit down after.”

“Well, then who do you want to live with?”

“I want to live with Auntie and Uncle Bear who moved to the midwest.”

The judge, who had been looking very concerned visibly relaxed as a solution started to appear. “OK, we can look into that. Does either Auntie or Uncle Bear beat you?”,

Baby Bear looked at him proudly before answering. “No, they’re the Chicago Bears, and the Chicago Bears never beat anyone!”,

——
**Fake Edit:** Turns out, the joke was on Baby Bear. He moved to the midwest and became a Chicago Bear….so everyone started beating him.