My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

One day a boy was playing in the garden of his house and his grandfather approached him:

Hey, what are you doing? Asked the grandfather.

The boy replied: I’m playing with putting worms back on the ground, Grandpa.

The amazed grandfather asked: but how do you put the worms back? they are all soft …

It’s a secret, but if you give me $ 10 I can tell you.

The grandfather agrees and then the boy says:

I take them off the ground, apply varnish, wait for them to dry and then put them back on.

The grandfather nods happily and finds it fair, pays the boy and leaves.

The next day the boy is playing in the garden, his grandfather approaches him once again and this time gives him $ 100.

The frightened boy immediately says: But Grandpa, you already paid me yesterday.

The grandfather promptly responds. oooooh noooo boy, this is from your grandma.

I tried to translate my German grandfathers’ favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: “You’re ugly”
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says “You’re ugly”.
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.

The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
“I’m not saying anything but you know it!”

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.

When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.

Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn’t give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather’s hen tie collection.

A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

Then his grandfather tells him “I put only 50€…

…The rest 300€ were put by your grandma”

My grandfather’s pig joke

A man decides to visit his friend who lives on a farm, and while they’re having a beer on the porch, a pig with only three legs walks by. So he asks his friend, “Why does that pig only have three legs?”

The farmer gets excited and says, “That pig? Oh, let me tell you about that pig. Such a wonderful pig. One day I was driving my tractor through the field and my two children were playing in it. I didn’t see them and I was about to run over them, but then that pig runs across the field and drags them out of the way.”

The man says, “Wow, that really is amazing. But why does it only have three legs?”

“Oh, but you haven’t heard all of it. One day my little daughter fell into the well while nobody was home. The pig came running and lowered the bucket down so she could climb into it, and he pulled her right back up.”

The man is very impressed with this pig, but still insists, “But why does it only have three legs?”

The farmer looks at him with a surprised look on his face and says, “Well, it’s such a wonderful pig you can’t eat it all at once!”

My grandfather told me this one

Doctor: “so tell me, how did you burn your ear?”

Patient: “I was ironing my clothes and the phone rang, and instead of picking up the phone I put the iron to my ear”

Doctor: “so how did your other ear burn?”

Patient: “well I had to call an ambulance didn’t I?”

My grandfather warned the people that the Titanic would sink…….

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

My grandfather used to tell me this joke

Three British kids are arguing about whose father is superior.

one says “my dad drinksba full cup hot tea in a sip”

then the other says “well my dad drinks it straight out of the pot”

upon hearing nothing from the third kid they ask “Peter how does your dad drinks tea”

Peter struggling to find something more great says
“well my dad drinks a cup of milk takes a teapack in his mouth and jumps right into the fire”

I called my elderly grandfather to check in on him

He told me that he wasn’t doing so well, and the doctor said he didn’t have much time left.

“Which doctor?” I asked

“No not a witch a doctor, a real doctor”